Self Intervention

I have to admit that once again I'm not a hundred percent clear on where I'm going with a blog that I've started. Well in this particular case, I have a good idea of where I want to go, but not so clear about how I want to get there. This is touchy...hmm.

Well here goes.



Self intervention: Sometimes you're the only one who can do an intervention in your life. I suspect that this circumstance would probably be more familiar among other loners. Bottom line is that when there's something wrong with a loner, there's usually no one close enough to detect that there's a problem. So the most logical productive response is to unilaterally find a way to fix what's broken. Pity wallowing and misplaced resentment are the less productive and more immature responses. Well writing "out loud" is my way of trying to get a handle on my predicament. And I'm trying to get a read on the look on God's face, being fully aware of what I'm about to write and how badly I'm going to get the point accross ( presumably to myself).



Where does an HIV positive Christian man who is attracted to other men go to share his thoughts. I hope that anyone who reads this is not expecting to find answers. I have an abundance of black holes, that would be questions, if they were even asked. I don't have answers when it comes to this. And mostly I've left questions unasked.



Churches, very much out of necessity, are gradually beginning to breach the HIV issue. Most likely due to the indiscriminating nature of the disease, consolation, is available to the infected and affected.



With regard to homosexuality the stance of Christianity is not the same. After all, only your body's doomed by the virus. Homosexuality dooms the soul. (Come on readers, playing devil's advocate here! Kind of!) Why doomed, my "fellow" Christians might ask. Well heterosexuals might find it easier to understand using an analogy like this. Homosexuality is not a virus that can be treated. It's not a bacterial infection that can be eliminated. Psychotropic pharmaceuticals don't do the trick. And apparently vows of celibacy, prayer, and fasting don't quite hit the mark either. My theory is that the proper therapy would be essentially to find a way to undo the DNA of homosexuals. It was pointed out in a recent sermon, that the Kingdom of God is not a democracy, but a theocracy. That actually brought some consolation. You see at least that eliminates the pressure of needing a consensus of the saints to justify my condition of being. And if it's compliance with the will of God, despite that compliance requiring the rewiring of my psyche, subconsciousness, dreams, instincts, reflexes, and aspirations, I would have to say that that's not completely impossible. Being ex-military, I'm familiar with the formula. Just follow orders. Being Christian I'm familiar with the indebtedness to the King and the gratitude of having a choice. But the conundrum persists. I told you that I didn't have answers.

I'm feeling a certain kinship with persons sitting on death row. The main difference being my ability to choose the location of my "holding cell".

One of those prolific 3 am moments

The thoughts are coming faster than I can organize them or most likely type them with any accuracy and correctness of grammar, but here goes. And these are in no particular order. Just some random thoughts.

I wonder if there is a documented phenomenon of helper resentment. I've noticed that more than a few individuals to whom I have gone out of my way, in my certainly less than affluent state, to offer assistance in their times of need, by way of finances, shelter, comfort, concilation, advice,etc have, not only vanished, but seem to have made an extra effort to cease all communications. I'm too closely attached to the whole down trodden thing to have come across as patronizing in any of these cases. My guess is that the helper is associated with a phase in those persons' lives that they've chosen to block out, or just aren't comfortable revisiting. The fact that I'm writing this made be ask myself if perhaps I had some subconscious ulterior motive for helping that has repeatedly gone unfulfilled due to an almost perfect record of responses that not only excluded almost any measure of gratitude, but seemed to be accompanied with a dash of "in your face" hmmph "i'm fine now...don't need you anymore!"
My soul searching lead me to conclude that what I want from my generosity is to know that the indiviuals are really okay. So I would have to say that because of the responses I've gotten, I've become a little "gun shy" when it comes to offering to help friends or acquaintences who are in trouble. It seems to be a formula for those persons decending from friend to acquaintence or from acquaintence to invisible. Another guess is that the helper is perceived as being in debt collection mode! Since this soliloquy is hardly going to be discussed, and unlikely to be responded to, if read, suffice it to say that I know when to stop expecting to be reimbursed. Nevertheless, I have experienced this connection between helping and having the helpee drift away. I wonder if others have encountered this. I assume that they have. I would really like to hear their theories about why this anti-helper phenomenon exists.
(Aside: I should be doing a report for work instead of writing this blog entry! )

Actually, that's it for this entry. I was going to stir in some other totally unrelated topic, but I decided that that would change the suitable audience rating too dramatically. So I'll just give anyone who's still reading a limited plug for my next blog. I think it's going to be entitled "Self Intervention" -sometimes no one else can intervene.